In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
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