i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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