It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I didn't notice because vodka
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
