i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Welp...herpes.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
