I can't breathe out the right side of my face
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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