I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
