Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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