Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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