I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
His nipple licking is glorious
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