You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize