I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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