Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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