I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Randomize
