i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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