well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
