theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
