erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize