My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
