I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
