Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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