Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Randomize
