Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
