I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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