the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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