How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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