i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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