Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
