I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
