Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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