I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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