I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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