he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
