New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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