The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
