If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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