I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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