Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Randomize
