And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
