I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
