I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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