I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize