omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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