As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
