i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
