My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
