I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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