It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
