U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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