On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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