idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
