Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
