I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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