I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
