I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So many bounce houses so little time
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
