You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Randomize
