the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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