Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize