Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
