remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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