saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
