I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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