P.S. I can't hear my feet
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
