Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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