I CAN MOONWALK!
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
