Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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