i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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