She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Randomize
