there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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