What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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