I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
